little-blind-mouse

I don't like that "new year, new me" thing that's always thrown around because let's be honest, it's so rare for someone to actually change drastically at the start of the year and keep with that. We have a overwhelming tendency to fall back on our old habits, some good and some not so good. For myself, some of those not so good traits include my raging impulsivity, stubbornness, i don't really have an in-between but rather a range of extremes, and of course my tendency of putting off what I need to do for those things i'd much much much rather be doing.

But if we're looking back on 2019 as a whole, and even the last couple of years, I'm glad to say that I've ended up finally learning to actually accept myself for who I am. I've learned self acceptance, made some life-long friends and lost touch with what I was sure would be life-long friends. But people change and grow and move on from younger friendships. I've come to accept that sometimes, no matter how much you want to keep a friendship going, it's a two-way street, and one person can't keep both sides going.

And then of course we have those things that change so subtly we don't really realize until they're either pointed out or you're in the middle of a conversation and just sort of stop, staring off into space when you suddenly realize something that perhaps you've been pointedly ignoring or simply didn't put together. That for me was the realization that I was in a very manipulative and even mentally abusive relationship back in high school. Likely I never realized the actual extent of the harm that that caused because I refused to talk about it for so many years, and I was too young at the time to really properly understand what was actually happening. Following that separation caused by fear, I pulled back and became more withdrawn, and only came back out of myself in later years, through helped realizations through conversations with friends.

And probably the biggest thing to come out of the last few years is the acceptance of my own sexuality. I'm asexual, and quite so. It's taken a while for my parents to really understand and accept that, and they're still getting better. Of course, they had to deal with my sister being gay and my asexuality at the same time, so it was probably a lot at once. But she and I have both found great comfort in our sexualities.

I guess the one thing that I'm proudest of in the last few years is that I've gotten to the point in my life, finally, where I am comfortable being unapologetically myself. I'm going to be who I am and anybody that doesn't like that can get the hell over it because I'm going to be who I want to be. I'm a massive video game and history nerd, I talk and talk and talk at great length over anything and everything I find even remotely interesting at that point. I'm both extremely open and quite reserved, I love talking to people and learning about them but I'm also still very shy, I put shit off for absolute ages and then spend hours on hours delving deep into rabbit holes of random information with a million tabs open.

I've made so many amazing friends in the past decade, many from here, some through my sister, and even some in person. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned to live with and love myself, even though there are still things about myself I'd love to see changed. I'd like to get myself in a position where I truly enjoy what I do and have the time to pursue my interests, but that's something to work toward.

I won't make any silly resolutions this year. I've just found that it's much less disappointing that way. Change comes in it's own time. I'm going to keep doing the things I enjoy - playing video games, writing from time to time, and researching those many things that catch my interest.

But that's enough of self-reflection for today. I'll sign off here and get back to you guys later on. Stay safe, stay happy, and live your life however you want to

Saw this, wanted to do it. Les go

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
water bottles. bad habit of knocking shit over

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
chocolate bars but only really because I very very rarely eat lolipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
cotton candy, i don't like gum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
uhh, intelligent probably, i read a lot, i know my parents said I was a very serious child

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?
bottles typically, but I have nothing against the others

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
uhhh comfort? probably closest to tomboy, i guess. lately it's just been jeans and a sweater

7. earbuds or headphones?
i have a headset that I use mostly, but it's only over one ear cause I wear it while driving. but between earbuds of headphones, probably headphones

8. movies or tv shows?
movies more than tv shows

9. favorite smell in the summer?
roasted marshmallows over a fire

10. game you were best at in p.e.?
four square probably

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
i actually very rarely eat anything that can be described as a breakfast

12. name of your favorite playlist?
"drive music favs" which i listen to while driving sometimes

13. lanyard or key ring?
depends. if my pants have belt loops, i hook the carabiner with my keys onto the belt loop. if I don't have belt loops, lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
ooooh it used to be swedish fish but i'm not sure anymore. might be a tie between swedish fish and peach rings

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
the only school assignment that i even remotely enjoyed was "Speak" by laurie halse anderson

16. most comfortable position to sit in?
vertical? idk, i sit in chairs so

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
i have a pair of sketchers that desperately need replacing because I wear them all day every day.....

18. ideal weather?
overcast and cool

19. sleeping position?
usually on my right side hugging a pillow

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
laptop, for speed honestly, but i'll jot down notes pretty much anywhere. laptop, phone, drafted as a text

21. obsession from childhood?
pokemon. Hands down, no contest

22. role model?
i don't know as if i've ever had a role model exactly. closest it ever came would probably have to be Steve Irwin though

23. strange habits?
oh god, I have no idea. uhhh, i get micro-obsessions, and i tend to over-share. When watching TV or listening to music, the volume is always set to an even number or, if possible, multiples of five.

24. favorite crystal?
like gemstone? i really love the look of opal but it's super soft, so probably amethyst

25. first song you remember hearing?
oh god i have no idea dude, i have a crap memory as it is

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
i really enjoy rock climbing and kayaking/paddleboarding

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
stay inside and play video games probably

28. five songs to describe you?
honestly just gonna skip this one cause really, i'd have to actually look at songs to think of any

29. best way to bond with you?
talk to me, honestly. hold a conversation, tell me about yourself

30. places that you find sacred?
like for me personally? i don't really have any, honestly

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?
if i need to do that, i just do it in whatever i'm currently wearing

32. top five favorite vines?
o dear, definitely "i don't have enough for chicken nuggets", the guy singing Rafiki's song from the Lion King while bouncing on the branch and then it breaks, the owl that just says "drugs?", "i am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand" aaaaaand maybe the one with the guy that goes to flip the pancake and the whole pan breaks off from the handle

33. most used phrase in your phone?
probably "suck a dick"

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
atm, the polar bear mascot guy that keeps slipping on the ice

35. average time you fall asleep?
since starting this job, anywhere between 3 and 8pm

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
again, i don't have a good enough memory to remember

37. suitcase or duffel bag?
duffel bag, so much easier

38. lemonade or tea?
lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
lemon meringue pie

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
not sure about weirdest but we had like 14 fights in one day. police were eventually called to campus

41. last person you texted?
my dad, and before that my friend Ry

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
pants

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?
of these options, a hoodie, but i tend to prefer sweaters

44. favorite scent for soap?
i have no idea what it's supposed to be scented like, but i love the smell of Aussie shampoo

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
fantasy, easy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
in recent months, a shirt and no pants

47. favorite type of cheese?
smoked gouda. havarti with cheese is a close second

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
dragonfruit was the first to come to mind

49. what saying or quote do you live by?
i don't really live by any quotes but one quote that I always appreciate is "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind." from Dr Seuss. I have a bunch of little quotes that just remind me that being myself is the best thing I can do.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
to be perfectly honest, the hardest i have laughed in a very very long time was my friend Ryland explaining to me the intricacies of trying to pee in a bottle. I was laughing so hard I was squeaking

51. current stresses?
work

52. favorite font?
Garamond is one I go to a lot, but recently I just stick with Times New Roman

53. what is the current state of your hands?
kinda dirty

54. what did you learn from your first job?
my first job was moving sound equipment which honestly didn't really teach me a lot. My first proper job was working at McDonalds and boy let me tell you, you learn a lot. People are gonna be assholes for little to no reason, coworkers can be great help or completely useless, you'll make friends in the unlikeliest of people

55. favorite fairy tale?
i honestly really love Beauty and the Beast

56. favorite tradition?
i can't think of many traditions that I personally follow soooo Christmas?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
self-acceptance is the only one that comes to mind at the moment, honestly

58. four talents you’re proud of having?
i don't really liken these to talents because they all get better with practice but I've been told a good few times that I write very well and even that I sing quite nicely, I don't have another two

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
"Why me?"

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
one of those "a slice in the life" animes probably

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
again, I have so many that it's pretty impossible to pick and choose. I do quite like "And we're all a bit frayed around the edges, aren't we?" from The Light Between Worlds by Laura E. Weymouth

62. seven characters you relate to?
i don't know dude. I don't tend to relate myself to characters, I just let them be them

63. five songs that would play in your club?
skipping another listing thing

64. favorite website from your childhood?
CartoonDollEmporium.com probably

65. any permanent scars?
quite a few, yeah. One on my knee, one on the back of my hand, between my thumb and forefinger, couple on the inside of my elbow from when I had a cast, etc etc etc

66. favorite flower(s)?
i actually rather like sunflowers but i also don't tend to look at a single flower and go "yes, you're my favorite"

67. good luck charms?
can't say that I have any, really. But I suppose I always wear the same dolphin pendant so that?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
see, i don't tend to eat food I don't trust, but I tend to dislike licorice and grape flavored things

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
i don't tend to forget how I learned things, so i can't answer that, really. if you just want a fun fact though, Queen Victoria had a servant called John Brown who was a scotsman that didn't give two shits about court etiquette and often referred to her as "woman" and put her in her place whenever he thought she was acting poorly

70. left or right handed?
right

71. least favorite pattern?
i don't care for paisley

72. worst subject?
math. i'm godawful in math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?
i actually recently found that cheese and honey is pretty good

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
probably a 4. anything else i just deal with

75. when did you lose your first tooth?
again with these questions that requite me to remember shit from my child hood. i don't know

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
oooooh now that's a difficult question. Crawfish are really freaking good, so are char-grilled oysters with garlic and butter and Parmesan cheese

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
i have a cactus back home that has miraculously not died yet

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
neither cause coffee is gross

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
neither

80. earth tones or jewel tones?
earthy

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
fireflies

82. pc or console?
PC master race hell yeah

83. writing or drawing?
writing. i'm a terrible artist

84. podcasts or talk radio?
neither

84. barbie or polly pocket?
barbie

85. fairy tales or mythology?
why not both? i love both

86. cookies or cupcakes?
cookies

87. your greatest fear?
loneliness

88. your greatest wish?
to be able to get to a point in life where i make enough money to support myself but also enjoy what I do

89. who would you put before everyone else?
probably my sister

90. luckiest mistake?
not a damn clue

91. boxes or bags?
boxes? i guess?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
sunlight

93. nicknames?
I think Mouse is about it. Oh, and Jellypup

94. favorite season?
winter

95. favorite app on your phone?
aside from youtube, probably Pokemon Go

96. desktop background?
oh, i can post the link!

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
mine, my mom's, dad's, and my sister's. that's it

98. favorite historical era?
Medieval and Victoria ears are both super fascinating


Alrighty! Well that was fun, but now it's time for bed. Night All!!

Real quick update: I'm back at work now, so Inktober will likely be significantly delayed. I'll get to them as I can, and may end up having to cancel things, but I'm gonna do what I can when I can.

Thanks!

Updates, updates! Been a while, that's for sure. I don't really have much to actually update though. Been busy with the new job, finally getting some more hometime starting tomorrow afternoon so I'm definitely looking forward to that. Been writing when I get the chance and inspiration. Working to bring together a series of stories into some cohesive but I won't say too much more on that.

Other than that, yeah, I'm hoping to do as much of Inktober 2019 as I can. Once I get back to working, it'll be a little more difficult, so posts probably won't be very long, but we'll see where they go.

Now then, onto some memes because this journal is a little lacking and, frankly, it's been a while.



Do you like animals?
I love animals! Roaches disgust me though...

Have you ever met an online friend in person?
I have! Two, in fact!

How old are you?
23

Do you like to receive gift-art?
I love to! I mean, it's always such a sweet thing, cause they dedicated that time to doing something for you.

Are you sociable?
I'm a lot more sociable than I used to be, but I still have a habit of walking around and looking very unapproachable, which usually goes away the second I open my mouth

Do you have many friends?
Enough to keep my happy

Do you like to talk on the phone?
I used to hate talking on the phone. But now that I drive for work, talking on the phone is about the only conversation I can get, so I've gotten very comfortable very quickly

Do you sing in the shower?
More often than not, yeah

Any secret talents?
Uhhh I can juggle somewhat well. Working on increasing the ball-count

Do you like your handwriting? Describe it!
I do, actually. I have very small handwriting that is generally fairly neat, when need be at least

How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled or over-easy. I don't like yolk

Do you like having your neck kissed?
Actually yes, quite a bit ^^

Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
It depends. Creamy peanut butter for celery, crunch for PB&Js

Do you snort when you laugh?
If I get to laughing hard enough, yes. But I have to be laughing past the point of "can't breathe"

Do you read a lot?
Not as much as I'd like to. Though I just read a book called "The Merciful Crow" by Margaret Owen and it's amazing!!

Do you listen to music, what kind?
Mostly country, but I'm expanding out into pop and rock

Do you play any instruments?
If you consider vocal cords an instrument, yes

What's the meaning of life?
To enjoy the life you've got, and help other's find their own happiness if you can



Alright, that's all for now! Catch you guys in another couple months!

2018 was a hell of a year, that's for sure. I don't want to harp on the cruddy things that happened, like losing friends and pets (for those that are wondering: no, we never had any luck finding Bella), the general stresses of work and things in life not quite going how I want them to, etc etc. Some really good things came out of 2018, and some really crappy things did as well. One of the absolute highs was my trip to Atlanta back in February that I thoroughly enjoyed. I went back to work this year and got to make really good acquaintanceships and even friendships with coworkers and customers alike. Customer friendships include the handful of police officers that I've gotten to really like seeing, one of whom i actually saw at the mall the other day and was super glad to have seen him again since taking a break off of work.

Aside from that, it's been a pretty boring year. I haven't written anything of any significance since NOTM disbanded. Of course, that being said, I've gotten ideas for things to potentially work on for absolute ages. I've gotten loads of ideas to work with. It's just the actual...working on part that's not going so well.

So as far as the "looking forward" part of this journal is concerned, I'm not going to do that whole resolution thing. I've learned from previous years that "new year's resolutions" very rarely actually stick, so we're just gonna skip that. What I will say, however, is that I would like to see this year go in a better direction that last year. That is, I'd like to be able to focus more not letting myself sink into any depressions, maybe get some actual writing done, hopefully see myself make some decisions that can see me escaping this hell state. The other thing I've learned is to not make promises I can't keep, so here's hoping.

I hope we all have a better year this year than we did last, whether last year was a good or not-so-good year. So yeah, here's to a good 2019!!